Still learning. But not today.

Learning is all about repetition. For me it is, anyway. I can get it right once, which creates the possibility for the confidence to continue, but then proceed to get it wrong a hundred times after that. The theory here is that eventually, this wrong/right process leads to learning. The wrong/right ratio starts to get more angled toward right: learned.

Today is all wrong.

This is a cool heart.

This was an old post from a week ago. I must have had an idea I wanted to get down but didn't have time to complete. Oh well, now it is gone.

I'll tell you what else is gone: my positive attitude. Today anyway. After several straight nights of fitful, horrible sleep, a best/worst date on Friday night and a lame/defensive Christmas e-mail from my ex-boyfriend, I just feel ready to throw in the effing towel today. So many awesome and not-so-awesome things have happened (and not happened) lately. It would seem writing about them in this blog would be a good way to exorcise them from my (sorry, California coming up) space, but I can't seem to get the words organized into a witty, tender and insightful couple of paragraphs.

Is it because it is Christmas? Will things be OK in 2 days? Isn't the same thing going to happen next week for New Years? That's another holiday specially designed to make me feel lame and inferior. Hot stuff, right?

It always seems like a good idea to deal with pain by "throwing yourself into work" and right now I have plenty of both, along with an uncharacteristic flair for the dramatic. Is this going to be a moment for me to actually do this work-distraction thing? Or will I just choose instead to suffer and beat myself up with all my effing "feelings"?

I do have a lot to do, work-wise. Learning is also about seeing the new way to do something and choosing it, like right now choosing the work-distraction instead of the wallow. That's how I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, that's how I quit smoking, that's how I started working in real estate, the weirdest and most unstable job I've ever had. So maybe that's how I deal with right now, what's in front of me, which is a big ugly mess of feelings and real possibility.